(AP) Secretary of the Treasury Hank Pauson today announced his decision to spend the remaining $350 billion of the $700 billion bailout not on buying “distressed assets”, but rather on buying spongecake. When asked why Paulson responded, “’cause I feel like it. And what are you gonna do about it, loser?”
America’s $700 billion bailout of Wall Street contained a little noticed clause: the re-institution of slavery. This may sound alarming, but this isn’t your great-great-great grandfather’s slavery.
America is heading for hard times, and if ever there was a time to sacrifice for one’s country, it’s now. Many of us aren’t brave enough to go fight our enemies in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, Pakistan, Russia, Turkey, France, Spain, Venuzula, Bolivia, Ukraine, China, and San Francisco, but no less important and patriotic is our duty to save the Wall Street. Ask yourself, if you saw a CEO on Wall Street laying on the sidewalk, bloody and broken, would you really step on his throat?
Welcome to the nü-slavery, not the racist slavery of yesterday — all races will be eligible and welcome. And gay, straight, bi, or transgendered will make no difference. There will be no discrimination, and that means that it’s all about self-determination.
Now, those worried that this may become a permanent state of affairs need not worry: the free-market insures maximal freedom (indeed, no civilization in history has ever profited from slavery for more than a thousand years) we are assured that once the economy recovers, slavery will become less and less profitable until it naturally ceases. Once again, the genius of the free market.
Slavery has long suffered from a image problem. African-Americans in chains, sweatshop workers chained to sewing machines, children chained in diamond mines, “white slaves” chained inside brothels. The chains, the locked fire-doors, the beatings — all of these occur because of government interference. Without all the present red tape from the FDA, the Constitution, and international law, industry would be free to implant shock chips(1) and psychotropic pellets(2). The need for chains and violence would vanish.
(Reuters) The Department of Defense, in conjunction with Microsoft, has developed new ShockChip® technology for use in the new economy. The chips are implanted under the skin, near the brain. Using GPS, a cell phone transceiver, brain-wave monitor, and random number generator, it periodically sends a signal to keep subjects on-task. It works by sending a small electrical impulse via implanted needles into the brainstem, thalamus, and frontal lobes. This mild current stimulates autonomic, receptive (pain), and identity centers of the brain, resulting in a prompt cessation of non-compliant activity. Some peripheral effects, such as violent bowel and bladder evacuation, seizure, amnesia, and loss of identity are normal and harmless.
Shock Chip Jr.® for children is slated for delivery the first quarter of 2009.
Wall Street hailed the announcement today, sending Microsoft stock up 7%.
Some industry leaders are wasting no time in gearing up for this important change in the economy. Walmart is working on an new plan where employees may indenture themselves and/or their children to Walmart. Incentives include a termination of health care benefits for non-indentured employees.
Goldman Sacks and Bank of America have innovated a new market to trade in slave futures contracts on elderly, infirm, and child slaves. McDonalds, Costco, and Best Buy have instituted employee stock programs where employees may buy stakes in futures contracts on themselves.